Healing

I want to start out this post by saying thank you to everyone who left me a kind comment or sweet email after the last post. It was a very hard one to write but reading all the thoughtful and caring words helped me get through it more than anything. I read them often when I was feeling sad or especially lonely. This community of fiber people is heartwarming. This post may be wordy and scattered but I wanted to write it because it's therapeutic.

It's been two months since the person that I loved turned my world upside down. The move was very hard on me. For those of you that know me I am very routine oriented. I have a little OCD mixed with ADD and when things change I have a difficult time adjusting. All this on top of heartbreak was almost more than I could bear but I did and I am. Everyone has been so forgiving and understanding of how space-y I am right now. The shop is almost back together and running normally again. It's been tough trying to downsize a life in a home into one bedroom but I've done it. I've let some precious fibers and yarns go and I will continue to let go of things that I once considered special until I can fit everything into my space. It's something that I think needed to be done. I know there is always storage but alot of the stuff had connections to C. I developed all my loves for fiber and yarn while we were together. It's when I started knitting, sewing, dyeing, spinning and when I started Funky Carolina. That makes it hard. I want to let go of everything that reminds me of him without letting go of myself but the problem is I'm not really sure who I am without him. We were together so long that I don't know who I am as a single person. I am working very hard to find that out everyday. I never thought I would be single again. I never prepared myself for it. Michelle was a wonderful inspiration while she was here and still is. She has the most intelligent perspective. I need to find out who I AM before I can be in another relationship. I'm not looking for another relationship at all but it makes great sense. She is very wise. Some people have told me that I need to start dating again and hanging out with people but I don't think that I'm ready for that. I went to my first bar a couple of weeks ago with a friend and found out that I don't like it. I don't like parties either. I'm a homebody without a home. I will eventually meet new people. I got a real job that starts next week so that will help to get me out of my bubble. It's very strange being in my hometown again and seeing people that I haven't seen in years. It's strange to be living in the house that I grew up in too. The dogs aren't quite sure to make of it. My brother has three cats that don't much care for my little demons. Heh. They make it though. In the end we make it. I know that I am strong enough to be an awesome, better person for this. I wear a ring that Michelle and I got in Savannah that says COURAGE. I never take it off. I have the strength and I am working on the courage to be fearless and aware. When I have bad days I embrace them. When I'm happy I smile and laugh. When I need to cry, I cry. I listen to music and every emotion is easier. I heard a wonderful song that is so perfect for the moment. It's Jason Mraz and called Details In The Fabric. It's a beautiful song and a beautiful thought. This is my favorite part-

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine

It makes me happy to hear words like this. At first I was unwillingly to face the broken heart head on. I would let little bits sneak up on me. I couldn't eat and wouldn't sleep. Now I eat fine and sleep about as well as I did before, which isn't great but it's a peaceful sleep when it comes. My heart doesn't hurt when I think about him. My mind doesn't race when I see pictures of him. I'm healing. I am thinking of all the wonderful things that I get to experience now even though I never wanted this. I watched the movie Enchanted a few days ago and it just came to me that I get to fall in love again someday. I get to have a first kiss again. I get to feel those butterflies. I get to be single first because I am not looking for anyone. And even though it will be very hard to trust someone again, I will. I will let go of the past. I get to learn from my mistakes. I get to eat cookies in bed at 3 am and watch sci fi over and over again. I get to sleep alone and hog all the covers. I get to travel by myself for the first time. I get to hang out with my little brother. I get to do so many things. I get to find out WHO I AM. It's scary but I'm ready.

There will be many changes to my life in the coming months. I am not going to do another round of the club after this one. That has been the hardest part of the move is being committed to the club and trying not to let everyone down. The shipping has been tough too because I didn't have and still don't have all of my shipping supplies from the post office. Things are taking a little longer but almost everyone has been understanding with me. I want to start knitting again. I want to spin more and dye more. I read other bloggers and how awesome they word how they are feeling. So eloquent. I've never been great at talking about my feelings in detail. I try though. In the end it all comes down to this, Life is beautiful AND complicated. Love is the same way. While I hate what happened, I don't hate C and while I am sad right now I know that it will pass and I will be whole again. Completely healed and ready to begin a new chapter in my life. Thanks to everyone of you that has been supportive and kind. It helps me more than I could ever express. xoxo

Broken

I have been putting off writing this post for a few days but a couple of people have emailed me wondering where I've been and I wanted to say that I'm still around but not much on the internet. This is really hard to talk about but my 4 year relationship with C ended a few days ago. It wasn't mutual and I'm very devastated. I had to move out of our home and back to Georgia and in with my brother. All of my fiber and my whole life is in a uhaul trailer right now. I took everything out of the store for a bit until I can get my stuff in order. It may be a little while before I have the creative energy to dye or spin again and I may not be very quick about writing anyone back but I just want everyone to know that I'm not ignoring you. I'm just dealing with alot but I'm blessed that I have a wonderful group of friends that is taking great care of me so that helps. I will be doing a destash very soon to get rid of some really great yarns and fibers that I just don't have the room for anymore. I will let you know when I list them. I hope everyone is doing well.

When I can't sleep

Many of you who have been reading for a little while or know me have heard that I have a sleeping problem or as some call it INSOMNIA! It comes and it goes and I find that it's just better not to fight it or worry too much about it. I'm naturally a worrier so that's not always Anywho, I used to just work when I couldn't sleep but had to change that because I kept cutting/burning/hurting myself. I'm a natural klutz and hot metal, fibers, dyes and other various dangerous things should not be operated while on little to no sleep. Last night I was trying to help a flickr friend figure out a crochet pattern and decided it was high time for me to make another handspun blanket. I pulled out all my scraps and small skeins and got started. I chose a granny square pattern for many reasons. Mostly the fact that the difference in yarn weights won't be as noticeable but also because I'm a lightning fast crocheter and I can do it mindlessly because I have been doing it for soooo long. One drawback of crochet...it DEMOLISHES yarn. It's a sad fact that crochet takes up 3x as much yarn as knitting.

While I was crocheting on the blanket I watched Becoming Jane. Has anyone seen it? I thought the movie was pretty good but I was absolutely taken with James McAvoy. He really stole the show for me. I have only ever seen him in two other movies but he is so magnetic to watch. Not the most incredibly handsome fella but I just can't take my eyes off him on screen. I also really enjoy Anne Hathaway but wasn't thrilled with the forced english accent. All and all and good film but not one of my favorites.

So I now leave you with some blanket shots and I am going to pass out now because I'm exhausted and can now longer hold my head up. Oy.


I hope everyone is doing well. I have more to show you tomorrow.

Need a giggle?

This guy is too funny! I totally forgot all about him until I was watcing Starsky and Hutch last night. Fair WARNING that there are vulgar words but it's hilarious. Hope it makes you smile too.

Falling Slowly

I'm still around. I've actually been knitting some while I finish up this month's club fiber and a big wholesale order. I'll be back soon with progress shots and what's up. In the meantime check out my fav song of the day. ;)

Biggest Game!

Tonight is a very important game in college basketball. I LOVE college basketball. I'm from North Carolina. Love dark blue and devils. Heh. More later about stuff like fiber and yarn. GO DUKE!!! :)

Slap!

Okay, just a quick pop in to ask if anyone else wants to slap Meredith Grey upside her head with a stilleto?? Just me?? Oy.